Yes this is how I have felt lately. Forces of good and evil pulling me in either direction. God pulling on me from both ends. Adoption is indeed spiritual warfare at its finest. I’m a fan of adoption, but I could skip the whole war thing. Really.
If you follow our blog, you know we have been fundraising like crazy people. We have had a wonderful outpouring of people donate items and include free shipping to make giving even easier on our wonderful donors.
First off, our Gold Canyon Candle Drawing we ended up doing 2 draws!! The original winner Colleen Herrick decided to re-donate the gift set for our use. So we drew again. Lynn Taylor was the next winner, and she was quite happy to receive the news yesterday morning.
Let’s sum up how I have been feeling lately. Last week I felt completely lost. I was given a great word from the Lord, Hababbuk 2:2. Friday night, a sweet friend calls and shares how God ahared with her how Mayah would be ours.
I basked in the joy of the Lord for the duration of the night and well into the next day.
By Monday it was all gone. I basked no longer. Another family who was submitted the same day as we were got their SDA appt. My day was ruined. Where was our date? How quickly I had forgotten the reassuring word from our Creator, our Provider, our Lord.
I crumbled like a house of cards being blown over by a baby.
I don’t know what his journey is doing to me, but I do know at times I don’t like it. A friend reassured me God streches us farther than we think we can ever go and it’s always for our benefit and His glory.
While I don’t understand, nor do I like what I’m letting it do to me…I know in the end I’ll be able to look back and see what God was doing.
During this time I’m reminded, “For [as] the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9 KJV
There are days when I feel God’s love for me is conditional. Yes, I know better. That simply doesn’t change the way I have felt. I’m working on it…with God, of course. I feel like if I do this thing a certain way, then God will FINALLY grant us the final money to bring Mayah home. He has promised us, “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you” John 14:18 NASB
I feel like everyone is watching and waiting for us to sink or swim. The unbelievers and non-supporters in our lives and waiting for us to be let down by our God. On the other hand…we have believers and supporters but many of them want someone else to donate…not them…their money can be best used elsewhere.
For our Both Hands Project we mailed out almost 600 letters. 6 people donated for a total of $400. Worst Both Hands project ever. Even people from our church claimed they would sponsor us and they never did. I see them every Sunday and they never indicate whether they changed their minds or God simply said, “Please do not help that orphan come home to her family”. So much anger has been stirred up inside me. Resentment and negative thoughts about our own church body and I would LOVE to grumble and stay down…but I can’t. I need to rise above! I need to practice forgiveness and continue walking in love towards those people.
I need a brighter note…
Yesterday I had a phone conversation with an old friend of Dan’s from high school. She and her husband go to a church close to our home. She spoke with her pastors and they would LOVE to support us and do a benefit dinner for us. We are excited and very happy that a group of strangers would lift us up and help in any way they can to help us get our girl home!!
Some days I just wonder, “What is God doing?” I know he’s up to something. I KNOW HE will see to it in His own way that Mayah will come home.
On His time. On His dime.
“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”