Lackluster

Well, here I sit.  Again.  Just waiting for Joyce Meyer to come on GodTV so I can go to bed.  I’m not asking for pity.  I’m trying to be real.  I got the blessing to talk to a wonderful, wonderful friend tonight (before my computer died).  She expressed how my blogs have lacked feeling.  It’s true.

The other truth is, I’m not sure why.

I’ve got a few ideas.  And in an effort to get down to business I’ll  begin my list.

Every single day here is exactly the same.  Almost down to the meal I eat.  Since Dan and I couldn’t read the menu, we only ordered one thing.  Steak and fries.  Pork steak, that is.  Many days, it’s so delicous we really couldn’t get enough.  Other days, the recipe was lacking something.  And by delicious, I mean the best ever.  So good, in fact, we ate it daily.  Willingly. 

I want Mayah out.  Money is growing short, so much so, we are completely relying on the spaghetti dinner our friends’ church is hosting for us this coming Sunday.  Just when you think God is done stretching you in a journey, he continues to pull.  Since down at the heart of it all, I ultimately want to follow HIS HEART, I have no choice but to continue praying for a financial miracle. 

Again.

If you feel led, please donate to our chip-in on the right side of the blog.  We’re looking at about another $1,000 to bring Mayah HOME.  Where she belongs.  Thank you, friends.

The people here are overall grumpy.  Not at the hotel, mind you.  The workers here are wonderful.  I’m truly going to miss them.  They are always smiling at me, and willing to help.  When I walk in the door in the early afternoon after my visit, they even yell “the american!”  to let the front desk worker to know I’m there to pay for another day on my way back upstairs to my room.  It’s the rest of the people.  I smile at everyone I walk past.  Two, yes two people have returned the smile.  I still keep at it!!  One of the few and I emphasize few worthwhile things I’ve heard on GodTV (isn’t that a shame, really?)  is that you may be the only Bible people get to read.  So I keep smiling. 

I watch, read, or talk to people who have been on missions to countries like Africa and India, and children who have nothing know how to raise their hands and worship the Lord.  I’ve been off my “game” but I’m raising my hands these days.  In this week of Thanksgiving celebration, I really have so much to be thankful for. 

These people here NEED JESUS.  Oh they need Him and to have the power of the Holy Spirit living in them so badly it nearly brings me to tears thinking about it.  I’m not talking about just the orphaned children…that part is obvious (and most certainly top on my prayer list) but the regular-working-bus-or –bike-riding people going about their everyday business just as I am NEED JESUS. 

I’m burdened by an incredible responsibility I feel I have to bring it.  I just simply don’t know how.  I watch Joyce Meyer and her awesome Dream Center she has in their home-town in St. Louis, Missouri.  That is exactly what I would LOVE to see here.  Heck, Dan and I have talked about moving our family here!  No lie, it’s true.  Not immediately, but possibly in the long-term future.  God knows. 

It’s then I also realize that we are looking into and praying about another adoption (not Ukraine!) but the needs of Mayah (which we believe are overall minimal) and another child (we’re thinking Down Syndrome) would so not be welcomed here.  Not at all.  And THEN,  I read postings from Meredith Cornish http://www.cornishadoptionjourney.blogspot.com and she has been blessed with meeting real-life actual parents who chose to PARENT their biological Down Syndrome child right here.  And I’m letting fear run spreading the Love of Christ. 

And of course, let’s not forget the obvious.  I have three beautiful sons at home.  All of which I long to hold so much.  The pain of missing them is so incredibly overwhelming I’ve chosen not to think about it.  However, for the sake of bringing feeling back to my blog I’ll address it.  Gage’s speech at  a ripe young age at 20 months is so incredible!!  I’ve missed, so far, 1 month and  2 days of his precious life.  If you have young children, you know how quickly they grow each month.  I’ve missed it.  And David, my sweet, funny David.  David who comes to sneak in my bed to be “snoozy” with Mama,  doesn’t cry at preschool.  He stopped before I left, but I expected him to cry afterwards.  Thank God he didn’t though!  Unlike Gage, David has barely spoken to me since I left.  He is my snuggle buddy.  His lips get the absolute cutest shape when he comes to kiss me.  Then there’s my first boy.  My Alexander.  His heart has been stretched and stretched with the length of time away from Mommy and Daddy.  He spoke to me even less than David.  I missed his first ever (and probably only) parent-teacher conference.  Does he still wave when his bus is coming to drop him off?  Will he still let me hold him the way only I can do?  How is he really doing in gymnastics?  Do Mimi and Pappy encourage him the same ways I do?

This has been so incredibly difficult.   However, up until now I try not to think about it.  If I do, I’m miserable and heartbroken, and angry.  The minutes go by slower. 

Yet, when it comes down to it, we’d do it all over again to bring Mayah home.  She never had a Mama to wonder about her in the few ways I’ve listed above.  She’s deserving.  She too, like the boys, is a child of God.  HE promised NOT to leave HER fatherless.  He came to her through us.

The hurt each one of our children faced or will continue to face until Mayah and I are home will be minimal as life continues.  A great and powerful seed was planted into 4 precious hearts during this journey.  Maybe they all four won’t grow their families through adoption, that’s not my business.  My prayer is that they all four grow their hearts to be after God’s heart. 

Can’t go wrong there.  Thank you for the prayers, friends.  Please keep them coming. 

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7 responses »

  1. Please don’t give up hope! God has gotten you this far (He’s opened doors and paved the way so far) He will not leave you stranded. I write this because although we are in totally different areas of our adoptions I feel the same. We are just starting and I feel very discouraged. We have about half of our money needed to even just start everything and I feel the clock ticking. I’m reminded over and over that He alone has opened this door why would He just dump us here. I pray today that God gives you a joy beyond what you are surrounded by and that you indeed can be the “light” to those around you. Praise God for you and your wonderful family today!!!

  2. When John and YWAM were in Ukraine (western) they noticed all the “grumpy” people. They believe it is the aftermath of decades under the rule of a Godless communist government. That government helped to create not only spiritual but physical and emotional needs in all these people. Their lifestyle has been one of lacking almost everything really good in life.

  3. Tammy, believe me I HEAR you. I hear your heart. My heart still holds a bruise from being gone from our children for our adoptions–it physically gives me a sick feeling in my stomach just thinking about it. You know and I know that God WILL bring all of you through it but that does not negate the difficulty in the process. But I, too, hope that our children follow our example–not necessarily with adoption (though that would be wonderful) but with being dead serious about following Jesus. I’m praying for you and your family.

  4. I am not sure if this applies to Ukraine as well, but in Russia, I’ve read that it is considered rude to smile at people you don’t know. They only smile when they’re genuinely happy or amused or when greeting someone they know. So it might not be that they are always grumpy.

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