Hello In There-False Alarm

Tonight Mayah and I were finishing up our school work together.  She is still working on shapes.  At first I was nearly in tears that she was remembering!! She was saying words like, “circa”, “schware”, “tri-gle”, “whe-gle”  (rectangle for those that don’t speak, “Mayah”)  I texted Nana, Aunt Mimi, Daddy (of course!) maybe facebook update and probably even tweeted about it!

Then we switched games.

It was then I realized unlike David, Mayah has the headphones on and I can’t hear them saying the shapes right into her pretty little head.  She was repeating. Yes, still a step forward from the blank stares, but I felt my heart sink a little.

“she’ll get there.”

“just keep at it”

“she may surprise you!”

What if she doesn’t?

It’s okay by us for sure.  We love her just the same.

I will not give up.

I believe she’s in there.

Somewhere.

And if she’s not?  And this is all the Mayah we get?

God doesn’t make mistakes, He hand-picked her for our family and we’ll continue loving her.  Just like we were called to do.  We weren’t called to rescue or to change her, we were called to simply love her.

And we will.

 

While working on “whe-gle’s” proper pronunciation for a loooong time my heart began to break.

Would she have always been this severely delayed if we had gotten her right at birth?

Did neglect itself ruin our little girl?

Don’t take this the wrong way-I know God does NOT make mistakes-not in any way.

I was angry.

Not at God.  At the orphanage workers.

At her birth mother for never holding on to her long enough to see her beauty.

I worked and worked with Mayah, clapping her hands for her even-to get three syllables that remotely sound like rectangle.

Didn’t happen.

I gave up.

Not forever.  Just for the night.  I grabbed my little girl and just held on to her and cried.

Alexander was hugging us too-then he took a picture. I love that kid.

Am I finally entering into the “mourning” phase many parents feel for their special needs children?

Maybe.

His mercies are new every morning.

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4 responses »

  1. Aw hon, I’m so sorry! But even if this is “all you get”, she still needs love and she’s got that with you. Of course it would be nice for things to develop beyond this point, but you can’t change the past. There’s no way of knowing who or what got her to the point where she is now, so try to let go of that anger (I know, easier said than done). All you can do is keep on loving her and working with her. If she gets it, wonderful! If not, you know you did the best you could and she still has the best life possible as part of your family.

  2. You are doing an amazing job! The Baha’s may make a bit of a difference. Danica still is not speaking either. She may never either. I am okay with that. Do you try to sign the shapes with her too?

    • Tami, yes we are working on signing the shapes as well. I just figured.if she’s speaking, why not see how far we can take it? but I think 3 syllables is way beyond her grasp. I can’t wait for the baha’s…but then..by the time thehearing portion is put on..she will have jaw surgery…next year will be a year of moving forward and little (or no) surgeries for her. Angie-yes you’re right. She just needs to be loved!! And we’re doing that juuuust fine!

  3. This post made me cry. I love Mayah so much! It makes me angry to that she was neglected and left alone for so long. It makes me even more thankful that she is safe in your home, loved, fed, cared for. *tears*

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